Today was funnnn stuff. :)

first period was real real real gay. morning time was gay. mother is real gay at times.  i seriously need more sleep. but yeah, ended up i was sad because sometimes it just doesnt seem like.....mom cares. but whatever, it's normal to feeel that way at times , i suppose. so yeah me and charise just sat down most of them time. with the few occasional people standing around us. me and charise tried to tie aj's shoes together but it didnt really work :(. whatta gay. mm i miss the days when i felt really comfortable and laid back.
second period got work done, i'm getting annoyed by mr winn's teachings. i mean when he just doesnt say what i'm doing wrong and when i try to ask him a question he just blocks it off by saying ask my group. when obviously my group doesnt really know either. i hate that. hah but whatever. me& denice are always and forever will be seperated sucks. :(
third period sat by the usual bunch of weird guys. *rahmaan, jeff,& james. they said i don't need makeup and that i shouldn't wear makeup and that jeff is proud of me because i didn't wear any today.  i see no use in that one counsiler hahaha but it was funny. james tried to take a picture of her ass to put on jeff's cell phone wallpaper thing and forgot that theres sound to the camra ahahahaha and so she turns around and ask what did you take a picture of and he points to jeff. and the counsiler looks at james funny and james goes " not in that wayy!! " ahahahaha and then i handcuffed them to make them look gayer. mmm what else. ooo pixie stixs gotta love them ehehe. projects due tomorrow yiiikkkeees.
fourth period got all my work done, actually got what i was doing. got it better than evan shooot i felt so smart. usually talks with evan i love that girl. and tomorrow's her birthday :) :). ayyyayayya.
fifth period wrote down notes and stuff. kind of bored... a little bit. mr senteno is funny. blahblahblah.
sixth period sub watched a movie.  i enjoyed it. found it interesting

after school went to rochelle's house and watched romeo&juliet behind the scenes stuff. then i started reading rochelle's manga. akdjaskdj ! i was so into it. i got reminded of... that boy. GRkasjd i miss him at times.

khasdh well.. these past 3 days i've really liven up to my vacation. it's really nice. 

thursday : school was hella stupid.  i was crying. i hated it. i disliked it.  i started talking to denice about it. and i realized that.. only the 9th graders that have been there the longest really understand whats going on. and people just try to understand and they don't. and some of them are plain out annoying. i hate hearing how we need to understand what mr mahers goiing through. and seriously. he's putting it on himself. 6th period once again got another 1 hour talk about how things are going. ugh whatever. this is so fucking bullshit. afterschool. monica denice& alma took me to wat ch a fight. them nigga's. it did make me feel better. :) then walked back up. didnt feel like bing in drama. went with nikki , denette , grace , donovan, dwayne , michelle , rommel and that one guy to mdonalds , zapatas , and little ceasars. talked alot about nosey people . michelle is funny. then went back up with nikki and rommel. rommel left and me& nikki went to drama. i talked to alelie. i started crying alot. dlj;sadsd man. frikkin. everything is bs. i bette not hear mr maher give me an excuse and try to make me feel better well afterwards i left to mr caputos room and me denette& grace hung out. "after playing some mission impossible to hide from the enemy, we got in the car" mr maher was the enemy. then mr labrador took us to regal. mr winn& caputo drive sloooooow and so tehn we started throwing up signs saying HIPPIE . or  YOU SUCK. then he goes "Your Mean, Dismal"  something like that then lauren , louie , louie's brother , and romel were alreaddy there.  kept calling mr winn a hippie :) ahahah so we waited for more. then angelica and marjie came. :) which made the group a little more fun. then went to costco to see charise. :) :). and ate samples yummm. played around in costco like normal teens. then went to rubios . and back to the movies. watched hide and seek. michael came and yeah. the movie was......... good. good plot actually. it has a twist. :) dang. then mr labrador took me denette& marjie to denette's house. marjie couldn't spend the night but i could :). then yeah just talked about alot. and watched alelie's video and napoleon dynamite. fell asleep.
friday . woke up. finally got ready. waited til my sister came to pick me up. left to michelle's house. got there and rachel dwayne& andrew were already there. played with michelle's little sister. then finally started video taping. h ahhahaa. it's so frikkin ghetto. i swear. man :) whatta fun project. then andrew dwayne rachel& i walked to SOL. where most of everyone was there.  nikki too :) :). i lof that girl. yum. after the "sign of the cross" i think that's what it was called. yeah we left to the small room. did more action songs yay. :) :). mmm.. well... after sol. stayed until 10 something, frikkn mom. :( kdsakdld irresponsible. sometimes i just get so mad at that fact. well she came and i went home. crying .  odj.
saturday stayed on teh computer until 3-4. then went to chloe's where denice& andrew were there already. *dude why am i always the late one. kay then we went to her church. denice andrew& i were talking about ... stuff ahahhaha. dang they make me laugh. mm ice cream is good. ;) and so we left to the other church. the band was there. they were really good :) yummmilicious. drummer was some stuff. then let him sign my shoe :) and we had 1.75 in change out of pennies dimes and quarters. how ghettoe half of it was pennies. after wards. chloe's grandma dropped me and andrew off at my house. we just went online  surfing.."SLS" and looking at clothes ahah frikkn $340 jeans. crazy asses then he left at 11 something. yeah so that was my days . :)

new look? yeah. i wanted to add some other things but.... it's not working.

mother tells me that i got "emotional disturbance" , i think she's probably right.  kldjsajd gah. thhings are hard. and the one person i just want to talk to doesnt talk to me anymore.  i seriously need some help. but no ones ever there anymore. or they have better things to talk about or to do. i want to laugh, smile, joke around like i use too. this has been bugging me for a while now. and i'm just never interesting . i try and try to just smile it off but nothing ever works.

People.. mainly family. makes me feel uglier.  my mom calls me fat and she keeps insisting i eat less. or mainly just salads and bitter juice. i don't get her.. she makes me feel uglier than i already am.  my cousin too everyday he always picks on me for the smallest things.  my nails. my eyes. my face. my hair. my shoes. my clothes. and yet he thinks he's perfect. just because he has a perfect family. makes me feel uglier than how everyone else makes me feel.

Drama club is the worse place to be actualy school is too. everyday in  6th period it's always teh same lectors and it's just making me mad. He thinks hes helping us. whatever. he needs to stay out of our personal lives. seriously. he has no right to snoop around our xanga sites or myspaces. that's why i have neithier of those. because i really dont want a teacher in my business. He's a teacher. and he's not a father. so he seriously needs to stay out. just coz he's known us for 3 years still makes him a teacher.  its just making me mad. i can't trust anyone in that stupid club. except for a few. but seriously. jessica is always inside the group listening in on what we say and goes off and tells mr maher if we talk crap. so now the 9th graders might get kicked out because we "cause" problems. it's frikkn bs.

i want to go back and see my dad's face of reassurance that everything's going to be alright.  i need him to be here and tell me advice on what i need to do.  keep me out of my laziness.  keep me from doing something stupid. But, he's not here. and there's nothing i can do .

I need .... someone. a bestfriend?  I got no one anymore. and well, Neal's never there for me when i seriously need it. I don't want him involved in it anymore because... i dont want him to worry.  liz... we just started talking again and she was never good at advice.  Rachel.. i don't know.. maybe she wouldn't understand. dkjlsad gah. i'm out of ideas. i'm going crazy and my heart drops are getting worse. I need it to go away. but their not. :(

dude, i got no one to talk too. :(

Everything has been fucked up and my writing of how i feel doesnt help at all...  i just want it all to go away.   i want to be free from problems.  The point is... i talk to much.  i need it to stop.  i need to stop talking to everyone about shit because soon everyone will find out and it'll trace back. I feel like a bad person and I feel like i'm not achieving anything in life.  I feel like i have no friends anymore. well not like before.they've become aqaintances instead of real friends. and it's been harder to talk to people and i wish i had that ability to speak my mind without feeling stupid. or without worrying about myself.  I want to back.  I want to reach out to the poeple i've pushed away.  I've become immune to problems that it doesnt hurt so much.  yet it leaves a big ass heartdrop. Everyday is the same and it's not getting any better.  I have ... social problems.  I know it.  I can feel it.  Yet i can't do anything abbout it.  Why is this happening all of a sudden?!.  In my whole life, i've always been able to talk to others nomally.  Now.. i dont even feel like myself half the time. I want to.. feel.. alive again.  Everyday at school it's always tjhe same gossip.  same talks. same school worrk. samesamesame.  I just need a fresh start.  I want a fresh start.  I feel like shit all the time.  why cant i tell anyone this.  i keep hiding it all in.

i'm tired.
i suck at english& Drama is bugging me.
i told evan about that guy.
we decided to use the code "Super Noodle." :)
I keep having Heartdrops as Romeo&Juliet is coming closer. :roll:

today mani , rochelle , cj , andrew ,& i all went and made a fire.
we burned paper and kept the paper. :) hahahaa. coool huh?
buuuut yah that was what us bored kids did all day.

i think i make it too obvious. stupid alex.
practice was.................hm.
i picked out a semi-dress.*&
i'm officially going to eastlake.

i really wish he find out.

CRAP it frikkn deleted my blog.

okay well.. i like this guy right?
but i think he doesnt like me..
because welll, he's closer to other people.
and i'm probably nothing but another friend.
i don't know what to do.
he makes my stomach feel gittery.
& i just want it to stop.
i might tell him though..... i want too.

....... i don't wanna use xanga anymore because few people are nosey and i dont want them to read it.

i wish i could stop liking this person.
heartdrops hurt like hell.
& i just don't know what the heck to do anymore.
although he doesn't like her. i feel hurt.
don't ask why i just do.

i need strength.

and maybe that's why i was crying too.

i m starting to like him more. :? 
FRIKKKN AAAAAAAA. i hate it.

sadsajdhjahds it erased my blog.
Romeo&Juliet has just been gay& stupid.
i was suppose to be with andrew. suppose to. but
MR MAHER interfreeed and no. now i just got no one
I REALLY WANTED. and whatever. i'm happy with the
cast though, i'm just still upset. i just won't complain.

today there was auditions for oliver.
i didnt audition though i felt bad coz andrew auditiond
coz i told him that i would if he did

first period watched remember the titans. the whole period. sat by the usual bunch of kids. cha john& andrew.
second period test. did good? yeah i think so. talked to DENICE that girl. she makes me laugh. we ate :) :) and she KEPT on talking. like it was the fun thing to do. which it was. BUT YEAH i love that girl. " eat the damn apple already "
third period blahblahblah. did work. i'm frikkn short.
fourth period test. did bad. ms elliot helped me on it.
lunch went to rochelle. and just sat down. then we went to denette and just chattd on. then after that went to sit by donovan and romel. frikkkn a i wanted to play with the cards. BUT NO. they are mean boys and wouldn't let me play. Jr kept messing with me. trying to make me buy a stupid card. he even sat on me like it was the fun thing to do and hurt my LEEEEGS then romulo sat on me too!!. i was like fffffffffffffffxck then. after that. walked with rochellel then left her behind with DONOVAN. walked with dwayne rachel michi& christian. hahaha they make me laugh. they was all running to andrew like a mob.
fifth period group projects. dwayne rachel& i are doing our own Thing. christian is an extra. hahhahahaa omg. its going to be fun. we were aell like "One on One. starcraft" hahhaahhaha man... then jean was like "i dance to get money" HAHHAHAHA. mr senteno goes to the same resturant. :P hahahhahahaha hecka fuuuuunny. then yeah talked talked talked. whatteva heifa. 
sixth period jeana didn't wait. so i just walked on. then got to class sat in the back and got hw from evan<3 hehee. just did hw. and alma and me talked about issues....... sakjdksajdskjds it was called..that five letter word. dkasjdksajdsd god i was a fooool. anyway then we just went on talking and the bell rang.
afterschool went to web. sat by cj. then just talked. bout "stealing" candy from drama haahahahahaaaha we're retarded. then after that. talked into our  committeees. and yeahh. gunna have to decorate the lockers. mmmmmmmmmm yeah. then i left. then went to elliot to get test taken & check hw.. raised my b- to a b. OOO GO ALEX hahaa. then i went to see what was going on in drama. !!RACHEL!! :) COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL STUFF. hahaha. then i just walked& talked WITH that lady and waited in fron of spanish waiting for nikki.then met up with andrew. and he went to spanish. while waiting for them to be done we was taking pictures with my camra phone. swear she makes me look like a sun when i'm around her. thennnn went back to drama. i was going to audition but i didnt. boo i felt bad coz andrew auditioned and i said if he did i would but i didnt. okayso then was going to get a application thing mabob to UC. but couldn't so we danced<3. dksajdksajds hellla fun. dancing and mimicking people's "dancing skills" hahahhahaa. ohhh man.

i like him... and i don't want too though.